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Take me to The River
Feb 4, 2016

31 March 2021

"Tonight we're gonna take you to the River......"

The words flowed out over the crowd like the concept itself; smooth and welcome and warm. And if the words were the river, the congregation was once again baptized in rock and roll. For me it was a return to the record that confirmed my faith. Born to Run opened my eyes. Darkness on the Edge of Town asked the hard questions. But The River? The River sealed the deal. It was raucous and raunchy and dark and soulful. It reached into my life and told the stories I didn't know existed yet. Fathers and sons, husbands and wives, cars, shoes, sex and yes, rock and roll at its most primal.

On Tuesday night at the Air Canada Centre in Toronto, arm in arm with the beautiful girl I married and 17,000 other Canadian tramps, we lived it all again and we lived it with narration by the man himself.

One of the things that always drew me to Bruce Springsteen's live shows was the conversation. The most vivid memory I have of my first show was Bruce, sitting on the edge of the stage at the CNE Grandstand. It was a beautiful Ontario summer night in July of 1984. I was 21 and he was 35. At one point with the band playing quietly behind him, he sat down. His legs dangled over the edge of a stadium-sized framework of scaffolds and plywood. His audience was 25,000 screaming fans but when he started to talk, he was tailgating in the high school parking lot. He was telling us about his family's first new used car and how it felt when his dad drove it into the driveway. He wasn't a musical superstar or a songwriting icon. He was your buddy reminiscing about the swirling emotional landscape of a small town. Over the years, those conversations disappeared. I'm not sure why. Maybe he decided we'd heard it all before. Maybe he thought the music said it all. Or maybe he didn't think about it at all. Whatever the reason, I missed those moments of intimacy. Tuesday night was a return to that Bruce - the guy who opened the curtain on his life. He kicked it off with a rocket-fueled out take from 1980 called "Meet Me in the City" and as the roar of the crowd became a rumble, he told us that the River was the record where he was trying to figure out where he fit in within the broader community. Is it any wonder we connected so completely with these songs and this man? He ripped through "The Ties the Bind", "Sherry Darling", "Jackson Cage", "Two Hearts" and I was transported back to my family home. That bedroom with the white Pearl drum set in the corner, Bose speakers on both sides of the room and posters on every wall. I could actually hear the echoes of my dad yelling at me to turn it down when Bruce gave the band the tempo for "Independence Day". With Charlie Giordano on the organ, Roy on grand piano and Max's high hat cinching down the beat - Bruce took the mic and walked out to the front of the stage. He didn't sit down but it didn't matter. 30 years and almost 100 shows in, his voice is so familiar to me; it's like listening to your best friend tell a story. It's compelling and dramatic and familiar and it lands somewhere south of the heart and north of the soul. "Independence Day was the first song I wrote about fathers and sons. It's the kinda song that you write when you're young and you're first startled by your parents' humanity. You're shocked to realize that they had their own dreams and their own desires because all you could see is the adult compromises they've had to make. When you're young you haven't had to do that yet. I remember the idea that frightened me; the idea of how they seemed locked into a certain world and all you could feel was the desire to escape that world as a teenager and a young man."

The tears were inescapable. He does that. He finds a way beneath the façade of your public life and pulls out the emotions we don't show the world. I could see my dad at the kitchen table, my son at his computer and me wandering the years between them.

And that was just side one. Side two kicks off with the singalong "Hungry Heart." It's always been a "crowd participation" song but over the last few tours, he's taken that to a new level by adding crowd surfing to the experience. More singing with "Out in the Street", some localized contributions to "Crush on You" by the crowd down front and a hilarious "You Can Look" with lots of mugging and hand gestures from Little Steven. I wasn't sure what to expect with "I Wanna Marry You" but I certainly hadn't anticipated another conversational prelude. "I wrote this song as a daydream....a sweet little daydream. The kind where you're standing on the corner in the summer, watching some girl that you'll never meet walk by and you imagine a whole life with her in 30 seconds. Of course you imagine the easiest life - without consequences. That's why it's a song of youthful imagining and of love in all its foolish glory and early tentativeness and all of its perfectness." It was a stunning re-imagining of this song and a perfect transition to the title track and the cornerstone of the record.

I have to say that throughout the whole show I was impressed with the normally sedate Toronto crowd. From the first note to the final wave, they were all in with the vocals, with additional lighting courtesy of cell phones and appropriate respect during the slow songs.

"The River" itself was brilliant. The interplay between Jake on sax and Bruce on the harp floated memories of Scooter and The Big Man but that's not to take anything away from Jake - it's just part of Clarence's infinite shadow. Jake's energy and commitment to every song was fresh and invigorating. He has definitely earned his own spot in the legend that is the E Street Band.

Time for side three. If side one is the call to join the party and side two is friends, mayhem and laughter, side three is when things turn serious. "Point Blank" was stunning and Roy's piano - the sound that is maybe most identifiable with the Springsteen canon - was absolutely heart-wrenching. "Cadillac Ranch" piled everybody into the backseat and onto the lip of the stage. "I'm a Rocker" turned up the stereo. "Fade Away" was the harmony-laden soul that got everyone's attention and the ghost-filled "Stolen Car" stopped us cold.

Finally we reached side four and again - we're dancing and mugging with the roadhouse rocker "Ramrod". It's the last bit of untethered exuberance before the trio of "Price You Pay", "Drive All Night" and "Wreck on the Highway".

I've always said that perhaps the biggest strength of the E Street Band is their incredible sense of dynamics. Each member knows when to step forward and when to drop it down to a whisper. These three songs brought that home with passion and drama. "Price You Pay" is a mid-tempo rant led by The Professor's piano riff, pounding out the fury of the main character as he swears to, "...tear it down and throw it away." From that hammering backbeat the band falls away and we're left with the piano and Max's quiet rimshot pleading with us to "Drive All Night." This - according to almost everyone I spoke to - was the diamond in a night full of gems. In ten minutes of musical perfection it builds from desolate harmonized misery to a plaintive full-band wail. It was amazing to watch the crowd - at first seated - rise with the crescendo of the band to one of the loudest ovations of the night. The final song, "Wreck on the Highway" was the beautiful ending; a denouement to one of the best musical stories I've witnessed and before the last note, Bruce summed it up this way, "The River was about time. Time comes us all and The River was about the ticking of that time and how we each have a finite amount to do our job, to raise our family, to do something good."

That would have been enough for mere mortals but with emotions raw and bare we were treated to 12 more songs that ran the length and breadth of Springsteen's career. "Promised Land", "Brilliant Disguise" and the Isley Brothers "Shout" were among the standouts. Then again, it all stands out.

Later as I was chatting with friends I was asked several times how the show ranked for me and to be honest I couldn't do it. I couldn't place the show in a list because for me - it was too personal. The River was my record. I owned it for so many years and later, when I took my son to his first Bruce show, it became his. When I first met Ginette I gave it to her and this year, she gave it back to me. How do you rank something that is, for all intents and purposes, an heirloom? It stands alone and separate. It runs through us as a stark and glorious reminder that music has a power to transform and to heal and to renew.

....

Black Dog

4 March 2021

*I wrote this May 12, 2018, the day after Scott Hutchison, the lead singer of the Scottish band “Frightened Rabbit,” committed suicide. Initially, I wasn’t sure if I’d share it. Sometimes I write just for me but then I thought, if it helps one person to know they’re not alone in their struggle, it’s worth any discomfort I feel in sharing a very personal story.

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I’m struggling to understand why I’m so emotional about the death of man I never knew.
Actually, that’s a lie. I’m not struggling with why I’m emotional, I’m struggling with the need to explain it, and whether or not I have the courage to face the demons rising to the surface, in the wake of this news.

The body of Scott Hutchison was found on May 11, 2018, in the Firth of Forth; an inlet that brushes up against the city of Edinburgh, Scotland and flows out to the North Sea. Scott was the singer and songwriter for Frightened Rabbit, a Scottish band I was introduced to by one of my best friends, Billy Crawford, during a 2009 visit to his home in Scotland.  

“Dip a toe in the ocean, oh how it hardens and it numbs
The rest of me is a version of man built to collapse in crumbs
And if I hadn't come now to the coast to disappear
I may have died in a landslide of rocks and hopes and fears

So I swim until you can't see land
Swim until you can't see land
Swim until you can't see land
Are you a man? Are you a bag of sand?”

Swim Until You Can’t See Land, the song that made the strongest impression then, returned to me as I read about Scott’s decision to end his own life. The situation transported me back to May of 1999 and an incident I’ve never spoken about publicly. That day, much as Scott must’ve done 20 years later, I stood looking down into the rolling black waves of water.

It was a day that began with excitement. I had arranged for the band I was playing in to appear on Breakfast Television in Toronto. We were just a local blues band, but we had some talented players; a guitarist who could take any song to a higher level and a charismatic singer who people naturally gravitated towards. Because it was Breakfast Television, we had to get up in the middle of the night and drive three hours to Toronto. We arrived at the studio for the 5:00am load-in but something wasn’t quite right. As we brought in our equipment, the floor manager was whispering to somebody else and looking our way. She asked us to pause while she verified something. When she returned, it became clear that I had messed up. I had the dates wrong. We were actually scheduled to appear the next day. By the time the mix-up was evident, the other band had arrived, looking understandably confused. I spoke to them, explained that I’d screwed up and begged and pleaded with them to trade for our time slot the following day. They refused. My band was furious with me. Some of the guys had taken time away from work, others had rearranged plans; not to mention that all our friends and family were planning to get up early and watch. Now we would have to explain our absence, suffer the embarrassment and humiliation my monstrous scheduling error would undoubtedly create, and try to do it all again one day later.

As I write these words now, I realize how trivial it all was. It certainly wasn’t life or death but, in the moment, it felt that way. My mental health in those days was significantly compromised and one of the things that depression does is coax you into isolation. It lures you with a come-hither finger into the shadows and away from everyone you love and trust. It convinces you that no matter how bad you feel, you must keep it to yourself.
I packed my kit into the van in silence and went round to the driver, “I’m staying here,” I mumbled.

“Gordo, you fucked up, but you can’t stay here. How are you gonna get home?”

“I’ll get a ride or something,” I said. “I have to work this out.”

“You sure?”

“Yep. I’ll call once I have this resolved.”

I had no intention of resolving it or working anything out. I was convinced no resolution was possible. We would never get another chance to appear on TV, and as soon as we got home, I would be fired from the band. Neither of those things happened, but it’s what dominated my thoughts as I watched the van drive away and I started walking down towards Toronto’s waterfront. With each step, the black clouds gathered inside my head, invading every corner of my thoughts and refusing to give way to the light. I don’t remember the path I took or how long I walked, I just remember that after a while, I found myself on Queens Quay in Toronto. I had a friend who lived in that neighbourhood so I guess I gravitated to that area. I stood staring at a phone booth on the corner of Spadina and the Quay, thinking about calling my buddy in a last-ditch effort to avoid my own demons. The demons prevailed. Instead, I walked towards the water and found a quiet, unattended pier. I stood staring into the black, churning surface of Lake Ontario. The sun had just begun to peak out over the horizon as I stepped over the fencing and leaned back against it. It was early May and while the sky was warm, ice had only been gone from the lake for a few weeks. I could feel the frigid water from where I stood. I thought about the numbness that would envelop me. I wondered how long it would take until I gave in and started drifting below the surface. Even if I changed my mind, nobody was around to save me and, in my state, that felt like a good thing. I stood in that same place for what felt like hours contemplating the only end I could see, the only end the black dog wanted me to see. Around me I could hear the city beginning to wake up and somewhere through the sticky fog of depression, I was reminded of another day; a day in my youth when life was full of promise. On THAT day after an entire night of parties and conversations, my best friend Ron and I had walked through my hometown at dawn watching the town come to life. I could still see beauty back then. Beauty in the commonplace. Beauty in friendship. Beauty in the life that stretched out before me. That one, single fading memory of beauty and friendship saved me. It stirred my survival instinct, and I stepped back over the fence. I walked away and wandered the city for a few more hours before finally catching a bus home.

I was lucky that day and perhaps not as deeply affected by depression as Scott Hutchison or the hundreds of others who give in to the blackness.

I don’t know if it helps for others to understand that you can rise above it and you can keep the black dog away from the door. I DO know in isolation without the comfort of friends or family, it’s easier to allow yourself to be swallowed up.

If you know somebody that is suffering – don’t give up on them. Reach out even if they don’t or won’t engage. Keep reaching, keep talking, keep loving. It helps even if it feels like it doesn’t. It gets through even if it feels like the walls are impenetrable. It can save someone even if it feels like they are beyond redemption.

 

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